Selfish Birthday Rant...

Well there hasn't been much to report as far as change goes. Here on the home front things are still doing well and there have been no events or special occasions to report. I hope I have that right - sorry if I forgot about anyone :). I'm getting over my 30th birthday and didn't find it fun AT ALL!! It wasn't the number either, I really don't care that I have to say I'm thirty; I'm upset as to what 30 represented to me. My thirtieth birthday was to be a new beginning, back when most of the health issues started in 2006, my 30th birthday was in a weird way a beacon to look towards. It was a long enough away to accomplish the goals I set and I felt the time would be long enough for my body to heal etc. It's funny with health, you think to yourself, "Okay just 3 more months and it will get better right?"; then when that doesn't happen its, "It's been 6 months, by the time it's been 1 yr just think of how you'll be feeling and what you'll be doing". You keep going on this cycle until you realize it's been 2 yrs and your body isn't there yet; your still healing and you can't do those things yet. When turning 30 was far enough away, I figured I would be healed and my "new life" of health and energy would start. There would be times I'd get close to better health, then another wrench would be thrown in my plans; last was my Thyroid surgery. This really knocked me on my bottom! About 4 wks out I was feeling really well for about a week and then it was gone. They started me on the thyroid meds and about 10 days in I was feeling well, but it has too many rises and falls right now; this puts me back to the, "I have to see how things go on a day to day basis". I thought by now if I hadn't accomplished these things I would at least be in the process of getting them done; which don't get me wrong I am feeling better, it just isn't consistent and I can't start those things yet. It feels like a horrible prank sometimes when the carrot of good health and energy (my old self) is dangled in front of me, only to have it yanked from my hands when I reach it. I am grateful for all our wonderful blessings and in the grand scheme of things this will only be a blip right? I have our family and that is a great blessing and we don't want for much that's for sure! I just want to feel like I'm a contributor in my life, my family, the house, my church etc...The cleaning, laundry, and good mood fairy make their visit (very welcomed guests :)), I wish they could stay longer; I want them to be life time guests :). With the zap of energy I can't do the things I do as release and meditation. I'm weird and enjoy doing home improvement projects and accomplishing the projects that need to be done every 3 months or so. I haven't painted a room, furniture or completed a previously attempted project in such a long time. I would love to do that and I look forward to that time. By looking forward to the future I don't want to waste the here and now and miss all that is happening. I have to stop and enjoy the time right now, because this time in our family's lives will only happen once. I will do my best day by day, even when I know what I've been capable of; it's humbling to do this when you're not used to playing this role. I feel like others know me only as this person and I feel like screaming, "This ISN'T me!". It is me for the present and I'm learning how to be okay with that. Okay so my rant for my birthday is this...I wasn't able to accomplish things I thought would be attainable in a certain time frame; other things beyond my control interrupted this process and that's the reason I was unhappy for my 30th birthday. I'm okay with it, and the things that I'm not...I will be; it will take time I know, it just gets hard waiting for it.